Feeling Far from God
Sitting with our deepest fears and uncomfortable truths
Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.
Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Psalms 27:7-14
This week I’m re-reading the Psalms. It’s traditional to read through the book this week (though I’m not sure I’ll finish), in preparation for the Day of Atonement which starts tonight and goes through tomorrow night.
As I listen to them again I’m struck by several things, but mostly that David (like me) is a whiner.
“Life is hard, people are horrible, why does everything suck?!”
“Why is this generation such a bunch of liars?!” (Kids these days!!)
“Will I ever feel relief from the trials of life and all the suffering?!”
And then in the next breadth David’s glorifying God, remembering all the ways that He’s been delivered and redeemed. Even in the text above there’s so many threads of so many different feelings - almost piled on top of each other! How much like our real life. Even thousands of years ago, life was so similar - so painful.
The Psalms aren’t all written by David, and much of the work is a collection of service music written by other named and unnamed people. It feels sad to lose the original flavor (poetry is incredibly complex to translate) and the music that would have gone with it. But we still have such a treasure trove in this book.
What I’m really struck by is that there’s a whole place in the Bible to wail and flail at God. To beat on His chest and to wonder why things are the way they are. We may have been told (or absorbed) that this it is NOT “appropriate” or “reverent” to yell and scream at God. But here it is, in part of our holy text - much whingeing and moaning and groaning.
It is okay to be upset. It is okay to be horrified by how things are.
We humans have this tendency to compare ourselves - we look at other people and think, “I’m not THAT bad!” But sin isn’t as much about “being bad” as it is about being separated from God and His life. Even if we’re solidly committed to accepting His gracious love and kindness we still suffer - in some ways even more because the brokenness of the world begins to bother us in unplumbed depths!
We live in a whole world that pulses with the damage done by separation from God, from the rip in the very fabric of reality. A world where evil seems to be above the law, where people do unspeakable horrors to the vulnerable, where even the weather seems hell bent on utter destruction.
Where is God in all of this? Why doesn’t He stop it? The Bible gives voice to these feelings. They are an appropriate response to the world as we look upon all this sadness.
This weekend we will sit with these feelings. It is a time to give space for these woes. It is appropriate to remember the ways we personally have been selfish, self centered, difficult and rebellious, as well as how the world reels from this seemingly inherent damage that wrecks so much havoc.
After all, doesn’t atonement really break into the parts - to be at one? We are far from at one with God. But when we scream and cry in all our pain, we can remember that though God often feels distant and unfeeling (DO SOMETHING!) in fact He already has.
He has already come close to us, He has already explained how His plan will win in the end. It’s not a quick solution, it must play out in the most painful of ways. Because loving us is also allowing us to reject Him. After all, it’s not love if it’s forced. We remember that the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot put it out. From the cross Jesus’ last words are in fact, “It is finished.”
God knew we would murder Him, He knew we’d reject His message to live in the Kingdom based on the very core of who He is: love and peace and kindness. And yet He came anyway. Because He knew that in coming there would always be a few people who would follow, who would carry on the light into each generation. It is finished because there’s nothing else God can show us.
Yet it’s not truly finished, because here we are. Still struggling, still in pain. Still so unsure how to make our relationships work, how to muddle through. Life seems like one broken heart after another. And if your heart isn’t currently breaking, then I suggest loving harder. Loving is messy work.
So we sit through the Day of Atonement, we remember how much God loves us, and how we’ve failed to love. We don’t want our hearts broken, how much easier if we make them into steel. How much easier if we stop feeling all together.
We sit and meditate on how this year again our hearts have hardened and we have refused to receive love, give love and extend the forgiveness that has been lavished on us.
It’s a constant struggle against this disease - that calcification of our heart, our mind our body. But Christ calls to us in each moment to set down these things, to allow Him to heal us, so that our hearts continue to soften and revive with His love.
May we rail against the dark, may we be receive the light of His Kingdom that we will bear His name and carry His love everywhere into the darkness.
When we were furthest from Him, He came near to us and He loved us.
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
If you do nothing else for this observance I invite you to listen or read a few of the Psalms. Feel the feelings, sit with the pain. God is near to you, even when you feel far from Him. He loves you more than you can ever know.
With my small portion of love added to His vast depths,
Sierra
One year ago:
Two years ago:
Hungering for God
Yesterday I observed the Day of Atonement. A few years ago I started celebrating Passover, it has become one of my favorite parts of the year and I look forward to it each spring. This got me thinking about how the other Biblical holidays and feast days could be added into my life. I haven’t gotten super good at making them a part of each year, but I have tried to observed Yom Kippur a few times now. “Observed” is probably the best word, since it’s much less a celebration. Yom Kippur, also known as the Day of Atonement, (Leviticus 23) is a sober day for reflection and “affliction”.
Sierra, Gosh I am so glad I read this. This is so beautiful. I’m preaching on Psalm 42 this week as I did last week and it too is one of the psalms of lament that vacillates between who God is and how much the psalmist struggles. Almost as if they are convincing themselves of Gods goodness. I needed to read this today. Thank you for your words.